Louise and Peter
I was raised to believe in Santa, and he was a major part of my childhood at the end of each school year. Before we married, my husband & I would spend the main Christmas meal - lunchtime - with our own families, then get together at the home of one or the other for a lighter evening Christmas family meal.
These meals were times of great excess, with everyone at the meal giving every other one a gift, and far too much food was consumed.
Shortly after we married, we were asked by my parents 'So, you're coming to us for this Christmas lunch, aren't you?' This was put to us as more of a statement than a question. We knew that one set of parents or the other was going to be disappointed.
At the time my instincts whispered - don't go anywhere! Stay home, just us two. All the reasons were good ones and they stormed through my mind all at once. The rebellion reasons started with the weather - it's too hot to go out, it's too hot to eat, it's too hot to be jolly, it's too hot to cope with frayed tempers and crabby kids and parents or in-laws.
It's too hot to smile sweetly and say thank you for something I don't want, didn't ask for and will never use.
Then there are the financial reasons - I don't want to spend my money like that. I don't need anything and neither do you. I don't want to be caught up in a spending frenzy just because the calendar has flipped over to December 25th.
I can't afford it and I don't want to have to afford it. Debt scares me and the expense of Christmas is scaring me even more.
Then there are the health reasons - I don't want to eat a big hot meal in the middle of a hot, stressful day. There is too much food, too much variety, how am I going to digest all that? I think I want to be a vegan, but how can I do that if there is this big dead animal on the Christmas table?
The biggest reason of all - and the one I was never able to articulate - the anger at the obligation. The unwritten ground rules that were unspoken loud and clear: Well, of course we'll have to go to either my parents or yours for Christmas lunch this year. We did mine last year so this year it has to be yours.
The idea that we HAD to do something with the family at Christmas always bugged me. Why? To keep someone else happy? Well, what about my happiness? Does that count for nothing? When are others going to start putting my happiness first?
I never did get any answers to those questions. Probably because by the time they came out of my mouth they would have sounded like some spoiled brat whiny kid who wasn't getting her own way. Well - damn right! That's exactly how it all felt. And it still does.
After our twin daughters arrived, we continued to do the whole silly Christmas deal. The distances we covered in those visits were astounding, amounting to just on 6 hours drive time.
On top of that we would be faced with two hot meals of too much food, all with very tired and very unwilling children in tow.
All we had really wanted was a nice quiet Christmas at home, just the four of us.
I asked my husband if he really enjoyed all of this driving and did we really have to do it every year? Happily, he said fine, then let's not do it. So we planned our exit strategy.
We would leave it until July, and when the questions started coming about where were we going to spend the next Christmas we would just calmly state - We aren't doing Christmas anymore.
That's it. No further comment from us. No explanations, just the statement of fact - we don't do Christmas. His mum and dad just said, oh, ok then. As did my parents. Totally no comments from them at all.
Boy - was that easy. I was amazed at how easy it was. We had been imaging that all sorts of horrid things would be said to us. Perhaps they were said, but just behind our backs. We never heard a word from anyone on the subject again. Completely nothing.
My greatest need was to be true to myself and to hold to my values. It was hypocrisy for me to gather with family members to celebrate a tradition that was not of my belief system and it grated on my soul.
The waste of money was crippling and I didn't want to waste a penny on the giving of unwanted and uncared for gifts purely because it was December 25. Sure, I'll give a birthday gift to celebrate their own special birthday.
Each year since then we have persistently ignored and done nothing for Christmas, and what a happy time it has been. Being true to our selves is refreshing, and to have an opportunity to renew that commitment each year is something worth celebrating.
Now when people who ask 'How was your Christmas?' we can peacefully smile and reply - a total non-event. We are completely happy and content with this choice.